This is my rant, you may skip over it.
I’m getting so fed up with 2013. This year has been the most stressful and aggravating year, and it’s probably just the beginning of my stressful and aggravating life. For those of you who know me personally, or have been following my adventures for the past however long my life has been on the internet, you know how often I get sick. I have such a terrible immune system, and no matter how healthy I eat, no matter how much exercise I get, I always get sick. Last year I had a severe case of mono which got removed me from college for a month and a half thus putting me on probation which was extremely scary for me. I was admitted into second year, although my circumstances were grim. As second year started, a lot of things started falling out of place for me. I was beginning to spiral down in my life and college was over stressing me out, but I always found an outlet to put it into. Something to vent out my frustrations. I was commonly found in the dance studio dancing to some odd beats, or just screaming out everything while rolling on the studio floors. In the month of September we began rehearsing for “Deficiency Syndrome” a musical I had written the music for. I was working alongside my closest friend Dylan, a boy I have grown to love and appreciate over the past 2 years. Dylan has been a blessing to me, because I know he’ll be there for me through thick and thin. As rehearsals got more rigorous, I started calming down surprisingly. I had realized by that point that things were starting to work out for me. I was working with people I loved, and I was actually getting my work out into the world. In the month of October we premiered a cabaret version of DS and I remember having a huge emotional burst because my music had been used by other artists on a show I helped create. Dylan was then let go of the project, which caused me a great amount of… “uh oh”. I then knew that I’d be working on a project we had started without my foundation. In late October, I was then told we would be taking a break from DS and wouldn’t be picking it up until 2013. This was fine for me, especially because I knew training was just going to get harder for me. November came, and I began dating a boy named Alexi on November 17. Once again, for those of you who know me well… I don’t date very many people. I don’t find many people interesting and I haven’t really found anyone who I’m compatible with. Thus, I would rather not date than date a thousand men and get my rocks and socks off. As time progressed, I started pulling more and more out of my spiral downfall. I started feeling more, and started finding myself a lot happier than usual. It was obviously a lot of things: I was getting more recognized for my work, my YouTube channel had started getting more success, a number of people were purchasing my single “The Author Wrote the End”, I was drawing a lot more, I was working with an inspirational director, but most of all; I was falling in love. Another thing about me: I hate love. The concept of love is weird to me, because so many people misuse the word love; so what have I done? I isolate myself from the idea. Healthy? Who knows. Christmas was rolling around, and New Years came. On New Years Alexi had a party at his apartment, I brought my friend Maca and my other friend Tina was supposed to show up, because I always feel really awkward at big parties. I don’t enjoy sloppy people all over me. I’d rather small house gatherings where it’s close friends. Maca ended up leaving early, because she started feeling really claustrophobic, and so I was left to fend the castle alone. Time was passing and I was anticipating Tina’s arrival, but Tina didn’t show up. I then searched for Alexi, no where to be found. So I sat in his bedroom and thought for a while about what I was going to do in 2013. Sitting with a glass of wine I came up with a game plan, about how I was going to release a CD, and how it was all going to work out. It was then around 11:30 when Alexi grabbed me and took me onto the roof of the house. We all stood waiting for fireworks, but they didn’t arrive because apparently no one was shooting fireworks. C’MON IT’S NEW YEARS PEEPZ. So, we didn’t realize midnight had already happened. When we did, I remember getting the most passionate kiss I’ve gotten to this day. I then felt really freaking calm. I haven’t felt that calm since. It was then that I knew I was fallin’ hard for this monsieur. 2013 was slowly moving along, silly stupid things were happening in my life, doing little gigs here and there. I started working more and more in my field and began finishing songs up for “Distant Star”. I started writing some theatrical pieces for Alexi’s theatre company, but was keeping it a secret from him, because I was too nervous to tell him. You know the really cute things. When I got back into school, I didn’t see too much of Alexi weekly visits. Which I expected, because I don’t see much of people in the school year in general. I’m usually crazy busy, and unless you’re sleeping over at my house… I don’t see you. In the early new year my health took a turn for the worse. My stomach stopped holding food in. I was always throwing up, but I didn’t tell anyone for a while. I went for doctor checkups and they kept saying nothing was wrong. Regular washroom visits soon became high and low fevers that would fluctuate and my friends started realizing I’d go missing after lunch every day, and a couple started to get worried. I kept insisting everything was alright. Performance Masque came along and I was working closely with a friend of mine named Rhebecca. Her and I created a piece about sexuality, insanity, and depression. Three things I’ve always been afraid of. It was in this piece that I would finally act: gay. This piece held a lot of me in it, and we made sure that it wasn’t going to be some funny nonsense piece. After getting critiqued on our piece I was told: “You went to the same place you always do: gay. You don’t connect to people when you act, people give you energy, you take it and don’t give back. You don’t create new pieces, you recycle.” BAM. Da fuck? My rebuttal: I have always been afraid of being “gay” on stage. I’m obviously a homosexual, but that doesn’t mean I want to act gay all the time. I have never been a homosexual character in a play, even when there is one in the play. Directors always told me how I’m good at playing straight, and ALWAYS cast me as straight characters. So, no. Number two, if connection was an issue, I shouldn’t have made it to 2nd year. All you do in 1st year is build connections as an actor. So, what? Also, my Film teacher constantly told me how my best trait was the fact that I actual speak to people while acting and connect to them, so… in the worst of Miranda Sings: ha, got you! Number 3: I don’t see myself recycling. If I am, why hasn’t it been brought up before. Also, why has no one else mentioned it? So that happened. After Performance Masque we went into Shakespeare. My health continued to waver a lot. Now liquids were being expelled from my body as soon as they entered, and I started getting overly queezy. We began rehearsing for Shakespeare and I HATE Shakespeare. There is something about classical theatre that just… doesn’t click with me. So, I struggled a lot. I did my best to memorize lines and it didn’t happen. Through the time of Shakespeare a couple teachers approached me in manners that were very unprofessional, and I ended up getting very mad at the system. No, I will not publicly talk about this, but from everyone I’ve talked to about the instances and everyone who saw them happen we all agree it was very inappropriate. Reading week was coming and I had been talking to Alexi long and hard about dropping out of college. I then told him the truth about my health because we both realized how skinny I was getting. Alexi reassured me that school wasn’t my thing and I should just forget about it and make it on my own. So, I wrote a letter to my professors stating how I felt about the system, how I was disappointed with how I was being treated and I included what health problems I was having that I never told them about. I also mentioned how every time I have gotten extremely ill (including mono) I showed up to school and worked my ass off and got absolutely no credit for it (not that I was directly looking for it). I submitted the letter to all of the teachers enclosing the fact that this would be my last year in college and I wouldn’t be returning in the fall of 2013 and I got no response. A week later I was notified I was falling out of college. Confused, I was asked to speak to the head of the department. (Note: it was the week of Shakespeare). He told me I still had a chance to save myself. I told him, I didn’t like the idea of “saving myself”. Shakespeare happened. I flopped. I failed. Feedback: “I have nothing to say to you, you let your whole team down and you should apologized. Unprofessional”. Thanks. Moving on. Was then called into a meeting. Was told I was failing and that they were holding from telling me until after Shakespeare. Excuse me? I was told a week ago, DURING Shakespeare. It was coming to Physical Theatre, my forté, minus the running ;). Physical Theatre is normally what I get hired to create, and what I love doing the most. It was tough getting into it this year, especially because I was still sick. By now everyone knew I was having health problems, and my closest friends were told that I was dropping out. I had missed a couple hours of class due to hospital visits, and everything was okay with the teacher. Most of my feedback was really positive, and I was getting a lot more endurance throughout. By the end of the rehearsal process I was back to normal health and ready to perform. My feedback: “Best we’ve seen you. Great to see you in your field of work. You looked super comfortable. Very captivating. Surprising to see you work so well.” Guess what? I failed Physical Theatre. That makes no sense. How? I was then expelled from college and couldn’t return even if I wanted to. So. Obviously I got really depressed for a while, and decided I would quit acting for a bit and just stick to music. The worst part is the fact that in my final interview with my professors I was told, “Why don’t you do music! You’re so passionate about that.” Well, truth be told, I never got into college for music. No schools accepted me. Only schools I got accepted to were for Theatre. In Highschool my music teachers all said, “You should be in theatre, that’s where your thrive on stage. You’re great at music, but your passion is theatre.” Great. So, I got mopey. Relied on Alexi a lot, and then realized what I did and decided to go back into the audition game. I then got into “Kitchen Party Nervous Breakdown”. Two days before we started rehearsing Alexi had broken up with me. Can’t tell you how I crashed and burned, but I don’t blame him obviously. I then lost interest in doing KPNB, but still obviously went. It’s a paying gig of course ;). KPNB is where I worked with an inspirational actor/director in the LGBT community: Gavin Crawford. I had been following his work for less than a month by the time I got to work with him, so I was even surprised to be working with him that quickly. Things were looking up. A lot of the feedback for this performance that I got were positive. I was encouraged by other Toronto actors that i was good at taking them places others were scared to go, something I love doing with my art. I stopped moping, but was still in a very weird headspace because of the recent breakup. I can’t lie. This breakup has been hard for me. This relationship got me through a lot of this year and gave me a lot of encouragement to keep doing what I do. Working on the Distant Star album has been really hard, because there are a number of songs that directly have to do with Alexi, and the weirdest thing is: Distant Star is the song Alexi sang in Deficiency Syndrome. This album has a not so hidden story in it, about this year and basically held all of the answers of how I’ve been feeling. Obviously these past 2 months I’ve had a huge amount of eczema that won’t go away. It’s now been diagnosed as stress related. These past 2 weeks I sleep about 2 hours every night. That explains the roughness in my voice (why I glottal fry a lot), and why I constantly have bags under my eyes. That wasn’t my only problem this summer. I was also dealing with a lot of sleep paralysis that was connected to nightmares of past events, a lot including the breakup. I am proud to admit that after recording Distant Star, I have moved on from my breakup. I no longer care about it. I obviously still care about Alexi, but I am no longer ever expecting to get back together. My sleep paralysis has subsided, but sleep hasn’t found itself for me. I’ve been taking a lot of medications, including ones that should put me to sleep, but they haven’t been working. I’ve been up for 49 hours and counting, and had a huge freakout before posting this, which is why I decided to post it. I have an audition in 10 hours. I’m going to be going to it with no sleep for 2 1/2 days. Healthy? no. Can I do anything about it? no. Let’s both just hope that good happens within the next few months. 2013 has been stressful, but let’s hope it was worth it.