I have no best friends.
- Me: Well best friends to me...
- Rachie: Well yeah you and me! I mean we actually talk.
- Me: Woop... I didn't call you my best friend. Well that was really awkward.
- Rachie: *laughs hysterically* Awkward.
- Me: The girl still never answered.
- Charlene: What a cunt
- Me: No, what a fucking more than a cunt. What a fucking Ass Munch.
I'm sexy and I know it.
- Me: I have so much power in my hand.
- Charlene: You love your phone don't you.
- Me: It's called my cock.
We all need a little racism.
- Me: I have something to tell your family.
- Charlene: What?
- Me: Allahu Akbar!!!
- Charlene: They're gunna come after you with a cross!
- Me: No... they're gunna come after me with a swastika... cause I'm Jewish.
- Me: I have something to tell you...
- *skype hangs up*
- Me: Someone just asked me if I was Jewish because my last name is Salib. Do I look like a Jew? Wait... Don't answer that.
- Charlene: You call this dinner?
- Me: Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha‑olam... I don't know why I know that.
- Charlene: Were you hired to sing at a bar mitzvah
- Me: You know what's funny....
- *seconds pass*
- Me: no.